A new beginning

Every astrologist is saying exactly the same thing: it is the perfect time for a new beginning.

Today,  March 20th, 2015, is filled with ‘Transformational Energies’. There was a solar eclipse today, which marks a time for a breakthrough. The energies from this eclipse combined with the shifting from Pisces to Aries and Spring Equinox is causing me to feel a sense of urgency to make decisions. I am aware of the need for change and innovation. According to many astrologists, this is a profound time for new beginnings, for letting go of what no longer serves us. So here I am today, going within, meditating, quieting my mind. Desperately trying to figure out what my next step should be. At the same time, there are major solar flares disrupting our energy as well, causing more emotional distress than usual. These flares woke me up at 2:30 AM and I was soaked in night sweat. Time to look back, be present and trust the future.

One year ago, I was lost. I felt shattered, lonely, and disconnected. No solid ground under my feet, unable to move forward. In my chest I carried around this big bubble of turmoil, that would burst any time any place and cause an emotional outburst, like a water balloon bursting and spilling its content. The only relatively safe place for me was the present moment. Looking forward to the future was terrifying: a cold, empty, uncertain vacuum, and no signpost in sight telling me which direction to go. Looking back to the past was the mixture of happy memories and the worst memory of my life. Pain surrounded me every moment of the day. It was similar to a time when I was depressed when the present moment was filled with pain and sadness. It almost felt like a familiar, comfortable blanket. It felt comfortable because everything else was just more uncomfortable: unfamiliar, out of my comfort zone, scary and dark.

When you are grieving the loss of a loved one, the focus of your awareness shifts. Initially, I was in disbelief, shattered, confused and lost. My awareness was not focused at all. I just existed, going through the days on automatic pilot, having no sense of direction. I held on to my familiar routines as much as I could, to get through my day, my week, and another month. I did my work; I sort of looked after my home and myself and dealt with responsibilities in a daze. It felt like I was under water holding my breath, and when I had to come up for air, the sadness would overwhelm me and my awareness was instantly and clearly focused on the grief and my broken heart. It released a bit of the pressure, enough to take another deep breath and go under water again, trying to make it to the next breath, and the next.

I think I was in that state for at least nine or ten months. Then my awareness shifted. I had to come up for air more frequently and being under water was now suffocating me. I felt physically dizzy frequently, and I could not breathe deeply. My work, my home, my routines were suffocating me, holding me back. More and more I felt the underwater life I was leading was just a crutch to help me make it back to being alive again. The grief and sadness were real, the emptiness and loneliness were real, and the exhaustion was real. That is when I felt really alive. I was finally able to look my grief straight in the eye, without the need to go back under water to hide in routines. That was hard, and really hard work too. I realized that the cliche ‘you have to get back to living your life and go on’ is both an impossible lie and a difficult truth. Life does go on around you. What people usually mean is that you should continue with your life as it was before you experienced deep grief simply because that is most convenient for everyone. But it is impossible, as nothing is the same anymore. I think a lot of people who have suffered a loss, hold this false belief that they should just continue with their old life the best they can and be strong. That it is a sign of weakness if they allow for too much change and think that they are giving up if they decide to literally move on and make big changes. Continuing with life did not make me feel more alive at all.

Life started to continue for me when I stopped for air and allowed myself to feel the grief. I found the aliveness in the messy, sad, desperate feelings and emotions, not in the ‘getting on with life’ in the sense of picking up where you left off. The hardest part is to validate and acknowledge all my pain and all my different emotions. The thoughts and feelings I have are all legitimate, important, and valuable signposts. I have to do my meditation practice every day. It is so easy to confuse how you feel with who you are. It is also easy to assume that what you perceive as your reality of the past and present will be your future reality. This is why we can feel so stuck in life and how we can get stuck in grief or depression. It is easier to escape back under water to the familiar routines. These familiar routines include distractions and destructive habits. Drinking alcohol, overeating, overworking, watching TV, over consumption, anything to fill the emptiness, which cannot be filled with material things. Numbing the difficult emotions will also numb your aliveness. Avoiding sadness and fear and armoring against feeling vulnerable, will also keep the joy and happiness at bay. This will make your life like the under water version, the one where you have to come up for air once in a while, just long enough to take in air but not too long to get overwhelmed with what’s really out there.

Anita Moorjani (author of 'Dying to be me')uses a wonderful analogy for awareness. Imagine you are in a dark space, a warehouse. But it is so dark you cannot see anything. All you have is this little flashlight and you can shine a tiny bit of light on your surroundings to see what is there. You become aware of that what is present within your little bundle of light. Then suddenly someone switches the big lights on and you become aware of your space. And it is so vast you cannot even see the walls or the ceiling. The warehouse is filled with shelving and there is so much stored there. Things you did not even know existed, colors you have never seen before, good things, bad things, beautiful and ugly, everything within and way beyond your imagination is there. You cannot describe in words the experience you have as you experience everything that is and more existing simultaneously. Then the lights go out and you are left with your flashlight again. Our experience in life is like being in a vast dark warehouse with just a flashlight in our hands. We are aware of things and experiences that we focus our light on, but we are completely unaware of what is outside the focus of our flashlight. If we keep shining our light on the things we do not want in life, we will never become aware of other possibilities. We will become aware of that what we pay attention to. And sometimes the things we need are right in front of us, but if we point our attention in a different direction we will not see it. Sometimes we deliberately avoid shining our light on that what is too disturbing to look at and we fake being oblivious about it. We keep our light focused on our habits and familiar experiences and belief that this is what life has to offer us.

When my awareness shifted from my under water, ‘trying to survive’ life to facing my emotions, I became aware of possibilities I did not realize were there before. I started writing and discovered how healing it was for me to write. I held the belief that I was not creative at all, and the only writing I ever did was in a journal when I was younger, mostly when I felt miserable and needed to vent. This was different, I felt the need to write because I wanted to share how I felt, and what I learned, hoping I could support others. It started out as a letter to my love, sharing what was happening in my life. Then I started making connections with all the different experiences in my life, how I felt, how I reacted, how it changed me and what I learned. I recognized a pattern and my writing helped me see how I was outgrowing my old life. The need to honor the passion I felt igniting deep within me was growing into a force I could no longer ignore. I had to let go of my old life and start a new. Each time I have to make a decision and let go of something, I experience heartache. Grief takes over and sadness, anger, and loneliness are letting me know that I am on the verge of another breakthrough. Every decision I have to make reminds me that I am flying solo, unwillingly, and no matter how much I long for my soul mate to come back to support me and advise me, it is up to me to trust my judgment and my inner guidance. Is it easier to just not make any big decisions? Absolutely it is. Just keeping things the way they are and not rock the boat too much feels safer. But at the cost of being stuck where you are, not feeling alive.

A new Beginning

Where I am now is at the edge of the cliff, I cannot see what is ahead of me. I already know I am going to jump into my new life; I have to because I have closed the door behind me and there is no going back. I am excited and I am terrified, not of the jump, but the landing. Where will I land, will I be okay when I land, how long will I be falling before I land, what will happen when I land, should I maybe look for a different cliff or do I need a parachute? The universe, filled with all these turbulent energies is reflecting perfectly how I feel right now. I am asking for guidance and receiving signs to confirm that I am on the right path, that I will land gently as I will have wings. I am still scared, though. Blind trust is hard; doubt is always there to disrupt the calmness I am aiming for.

This is where I am right now. This is my experience I am sharing with you. No matter where you are right now, you too can let go of things in your life that no longer serve you. You don’t have to jump, but little steps in a different direction can expand your awareness when you focus your light in a different direction you can change your life’s direction. If you are suffering from pain, focus your light on things that can bring you health and joy. By slowing down life or pause and observe your life as it is, you will recognize habits that are no longer serving you. Decide what you want to change, change your intention and start paying attention. Shine your light to where you want to go and never forget to keep looking for the possibilities.  You will find your new beginning.