How to overcome Loss

Loss

Most of us struggle with loss. It’s something we try to avoid thinking about. We don’t want our thoughts to dwell on loss too much, but it’s inevitably going to happen. Loss of youth, friendships, jobs, homes, health, parents, children, people we love through divorce/separation or death, our pets, careers, our belongings, our minds, our mobility, a dream, a favorite piece of clothing or a precious gift. So much to lose, so much to hold on to. If we could learn to embrace change, the pain of loss would ease. We can accomplish that by working with loss after change in a conscious way.

Change

Life is challenging, and sometimes things happen that can change it drastically in just a moment. Changes can be caused by something outside of us, beyond your control, or by something coming from within, when we make the change happen.

Change can be stressful, especially when it is out of our control and when many changes and challenges are taking place in a relatively short period of time.

Change always implies that there is some kind of loss involved. When we don’t like losing something, which is usually the case, our resistance to change increases. The resulting stress is greater and emotions triggered by this loss more intense.

The stress triggers our autonomic nervous system and emotions will trigger over thousands of thoughts that will most likely fire up the stress response some more.
Naturally, we want to either go in denial and avoidance or withdraw and resign. No matter what, we look to comfort ourselves from the pain caused by our loss and we must do this.

The comfort zone

The comfort zone has a very important function.

It is the place where we can prepare for growth and transition.

It is the place where we can cry all our tears that need to flow and where we can safely acknowledge our loss and all emotions and pain that come with it.

It’s safe there too, to feel sorry for ourselves and relieve ourselves of responsibilities that are too much to deal with.

It is a place where more change can be avoided; sometimes we will want to fight our way back to how the way things were.

It is not easy to sit with the pain, experiencing it, acknowledging it, without trying to change it, run from it, or judge it. Just feeling it without all the stories, takes practice. The more conscious we are of this process, the greater the progress we can make here. At some point, we shall have to leave the zone, walking through the hall of pain and fear, into an uncertain future. Often we come out of the zone but have to go back to recharge, and that is perfectly okay. However, it is important to always be aware that leaving the comfort zone is crucial to overcoming the loss.

From reasons to excuses

The comfort zone has a door, the pain door. It hurts to open it and walk through. When we are sensitive, our nervous system warns us to stay away from this door.

When we allow these protective reactions to control our behavior, we stay caged in this room, not even daring to look outside, or look for other possibilities. The door will forever stay closed. It is possible that avoidance is unconscious, we don’t realize we are avoiding and living a small, contained life. This is not a healthy situation, and many people suffer from physical pain and disease from suppressed emotions.

After a major loss or losses, there are more than enough reasons to be in the comfort zone. However, to overcome the pain, we must understand that it is a temporary place and the goal is to leave this comfort zone as soon as possible.

When your life is upside down, your heart is so vulnerable, it doesn’t take much to tear the wound wide open again. This is why we need to allow for time to heal in a place where we feel safe for a while.

There is a problem when our good reasons become excuses. When you keep using good reasons as excuses to stop. Stop living fully, stop loving, giving, writing, thriving, and caring. 

Sometimes your reality can change from an optimistic view to a totally pessimistic, self-criticizing one, excusing you from all responsibilities.You allow your small self to take control, and you actually believe the words in your head about yourself, undermining your self-esteem and self worth. You have a choice: to resign or to acknowledge and defy fear.

Purpose and meaning

When the reasons become excuses, the justification to stop living fully is based on your current perception of your reality, as well as on similar past experiences. You identify yourself with the negative labels you give yourself. This is what you need to hear: ‘Even though I feel this way now, I am alive and I need to go and live. I still have a purpose and dreams, I need to keep going, even if I can only manage 5% of my usual effort. I need to go beyond my pain and beyond what I think I can do, because it is not just about me. I am committed to my purpose, to making a difference and nothing can keep me away from that.’

A purpose is what gives life meaning. In the middle of our deepest pain and distress, we need to give our life meaning again, and remind ourselves of our purpose, so we can fuel our soul with the drive to overcome the despair we feel. We gather the courage to walk through the door of pain, into the hall of pain and come out the other end a hero.

Guidelines

Here are some guidelines to help you stay conscious with, and overcome pain, after loss:

• Practice non-attachment: embracing change instead of resisting it and accepting loss as something inevitable. This will reduce the stress after experiencing loss.
• Practice awareness of your thoughts and words and be alert of the following: negative self talk, blaming yourself or others, resentment, anger towards self or others, labeling and judging self and others, focus on the past, attachment, resisting, avoiding, and isolating.Also be aware of  distracting behaviors: over working, (self) destructive behavior, addictive behavior (drinking, eating, TV, social media). Don’t judge yourself for having these thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, but acknowledge them, and let them go.
• Practice self-care in the comfort zone: be present with the pain, feeling the emotions, be non-judgmental, with self-compassion and encouragement. Physical self-care: sleep at least 7 hours, hydrate with water, eat whole, nutrient dense foods, and move (many walks), be alone and seek company from good friends. Encourage yourself to step out of the comfort zone as long and as often as you can handle, and remind yourself that this is a stepping stone, not a permanent resting zone.
• Practice giving meaning to life, remind yourself of your purpose, and who you wish to be. Practice seeing different perspectives:

#1 VISION

Your current reality is based on your past and current situation. Don’t base your future self on what you think you know now. Instead, create a vision of yourself in a magnificent future and go beyond what you think is possible. You don’t know what will happen that can change your vision completely. My reality changed instantly from optimistic to completely fatalistic. The opposite can happen too if you have that intention. It is work. You have to practice it. 

You have to be willing to let go of your current, negative identity.  It will save you from a sure rough ride. Write down your dream and vision for yourself. Read it frequently and, when you feel lost, allow your smart inner voice to remind you of your bigger purpose .

#2 GROWTH

Growth is one of the human drives. It is an important component of feeling fulfilled and happy. When things look really gloomy and desperate, and it feels as if your life is falling apart, say to yourself that you are on the cusp of a major breakthrough, a growth spurt. Growing hurts, just like growing pains. In this case ‘no pain, no gain’ is true. Embrace the pain, and recognize the opportunity for growth. Life is taking you exactly where you need to be in order to learn and come closer to your purpose. It doesn’t always take you on the shortest route, sometimes it will be the scenic, never boring, route. Feel your feelings, allow yourself to be sad, but don’t let it stop you from living your life.

#3 MOVE FORWARD

Distraction and resignation, two commonly used strategies, will not help you move forward. I'm not saying that they don’t work at all, they do, but not in the long term. Not if you want to move beyond your pain. There is absolutely a time and a place for distraction and resignation, when cocooning and taking care of ourselves takes place or when we throw ourselves into some kind of project to distract ourselves for a while.

Moving beyond the pain means walking a fine line between staying in the resignation/ distraction phase and ‘the moving forward with baby steps’ phase.

When you are able to create a positive vision of your future self, and you are able to see that your pain is the start of growth, you may find a glimmer of motivation to take little steps forward.

Even though you are exhausted and don’t feel like doing anything, just go for a little walk anyway, write in your journal, do a 5-minute breathing meditation, call a friend, do something for someone else, feel gratitude, laugh or smile, or make yourself a nutritious meal.

You don’t want to, you don’t think you can, but you do it anyway. You decide that you are more important, better, and can do more than you thought.

That’s it.

You decide; it’s your choice.

No matter what your circumstances, keep challenging yourself to do better than the previous day or moment, and that is what moving forward is all about, even if it is just a little tiny step forward. Letting your stress responses make the decisions is understandable because it is mostly an unconscious process.

Making a conscious decision not to allow those responses to rule your life is much more rewarding and empowering.

The world needs you.

It needs you to shine your unique light and bring your unique skills and creativity to brighten up a world that has become too dark and lonely.

You can be the difference between dark or light, love or hate, sadness or joy.

Wouldn’t you rather be the light, the love and the joy?