The Burden of Blame

The burden of blame can be toxic for our health and well-being.

Dr. Brené Brown created another animated video, about blame this time and why it is important to move beyond blame. You can watch this video below this post. (see my previous post: 'the Healing Power of Empathy' for her previous animated video)

Blame is simply the discharging of a discomfort and pain and it has an inverse relationship with accountability, research has shown.

Accountability is a vulnerable process. It means being authentic,  sharing how you really feel about a situation and taking responsibility. It means talking about an issue without blaming because blaming is just a way to discharge anger, or pain and grief.

After I watched Dr. Brené Brown's animated video about blame I started thinking of the patients I have seen in my career who seemed to be stuck in blaming themselves or someone else and were unable to take accountability for their lives. I recognized my story in there as well. I decided to write about how blaming can sabotage our health and well being.

When something bad happens, an accident, a scary diagnosis or disease, it is not unusual to blame yourself for it, or the person causing the accident, or the medical system that has failed somehow or the insurance company that should be doing something. I experienced a tendency to blame when my father died, and even more so when my partner died last year. I blamed myself, I blamed the emergency doctor, and I probably blamed anything I could think of for the sake of blaming. Someone or something had to be at fault! When something bad happens, you want to know why and whose fault it is.

I was blaming myself for things just because it gave me some pretense of control. If 'life happening' is no one's fault, then how can I ever control anything? At least if it is my fault, maybe there is some control.

Blaming myself was my way to discharge grief and to maintain some control in my life or at least so it seemed. I came to my senses soon enough, so I could deal with the guilt I felt as well. This took an enormous amount of energy and it kept me from making myself accountable for moving forward in life.

When I realized my energy was wasted on figuring out why and whose fault it was, I could start letting go of my blame story and move forward.

Blaming is very corrosive in relationships, or in my case, the relationship with myself. When we blame, we miss opportunities for empathy for our self and others. And empathy is what we need to start healing.

When we blame we also put ourselves in the victim role. As long as we are a victim, we disable our ability to move on. If we stay victimized too long, it may feel safer to stay there, making it even harder to heal.

Blaming the medical system for not helping, not listening or not taking you seriously, will drain your energy. Blaming yourself for not getting better will keep you stuck. Talk to someone about how you feel, without going into blame; journal about your feelings without judgment or blame. Come to terms with your situation, so you can start taking accountability for your own life and move forward. It takes courage. Take a deep breath and just DO it.

Leave the burden of blame behind you and get back to living your life. We will never have control over 'life happening', but we do control our responses.

I would love to hear your comments, you can leave a comment below.

Why we need to move beyond blame: